“We’re just not sexually compatible.”
“Our bedroom life is boring.”
“I don’t enjoy making love anymore.”
These are words I have heard spoken in a session with couples. Here’s the good news: no matter your age, it’s not too late to have a mutually meaningful, fulfilling sex life with your partner.
“Yeah, right.” (says someone reading this)
Like most things in life, for your sex life to be extraordinary it’s going to take both partners devoted to making it happen. Set the right expectation that it’s not going to get there overnight.
“But, why not?”
I’m glad you asked.
Your current level of (productive) communication, trust, and knowledge about the other’s preferences are going to be the main factors in getting you where you want to be. If there is a severe lack of either of the three, then the journey toward fulfillment will take longer…but not impossible.
“Great lovers aren’t born, they’re made” says Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz. Anything that is being made will not only take time, but the right ingredients. For the sake of not losing you (reader) on an incredibly long blog post, I’m going to start with two aspects of communication that are critical to a thriving physical connection.
- The first is the importance of talking about your sexual preferences before and after intimate moments – not just in the moment. Partners are going to feel most vulnerable in the moment. Instructing one another can leave feelings more methodical and less erotical. Your frustration may come off as impatience or irritation that further hinders erotic desire. Try making it standard to have discussions about what you like before or after sex.
- Secondly, showing our partner what we like is more effective than telling them. I know this is more difficult when it comes to oral sex (hope I didn’t lose you on that one), but there is much to gain by gently guiding our partner’s hands or other parts of their body where you’d prefer. A certain level of trust must be present for partners to feel safe while doing this. Communication and guided touch helps each partner take responsibility for their own sexuality.
Most of the couples I see are often unsatisfied with how things are going in the bedroom. The journey to a fulfilling sex life isn’t difficult. Our fears of rejection, complacency, or insecurities keep us stuck.
If you’re feeling stuck in the particular area of your relationship give us a call at 832-421-8714. We have counselors that would love to help.