It’s a common misconception that sex is supposed to be the easy part of marriage. Wouldn’t it be amazing if sex was always carefree and full of pleasure? If there weren’t any kind of expectations or negative feelings involved? Unfortunately, I think a small part of each of us believes this is how sex is supposed to be. We may even find ourselves disappointed to find out that it isn’t. Life starts to take over (work, kids, chores, grocery shopping, hobbies, etc.) and before you know it, sex is on the back-burner.
If you’re too busy for sex, you’re too busy! The truth is that sex, like all other facets of marriage, takes work. You have to be willing to be present during it, to fight for it, and to allow it to take precedent over your to-do list. If you are finding yourself busy and without much time for sex, here are 4 ways to help you make it a priority:
Figure out what you can say “no” to so that you can say “yes” to sex.
Write down your entire weekly schedule on paper. From there, see what available time you and your spouse actually do have to set aside for sex. If you can’t find any time at all, then you need to figure out what you can say NO to so that you can say YES to sex.
Be vocal about your needs.
It is your responsibility to share with your spouse if you’re feeling like sex isn’t a priority in your marriage and that has caused you to feel sad, lonely, or unfulfilled. They may have no clue you feel that way. They may feel the same way that you do. Whatever the scenario, it’s time to have an open and honest conversation in your marriage about your sexual needs and preferences. You won’t be fully satisfied unless you’re on the same page! Be sure to watch your tone and attitude when starting the conversation.
Take turns focusing on each other.
If time is an issue for you, then try taking turns. Focus on one partner one night. Focus on the other the next night. The goal here is not selfishness; it’s actually the opposite. It’s making sure both of you get to experience the fulfillment and pleasure you’re looking for while also getting the joy of pleasuring your partner without the pressure of a time limit.
No time to connect sexually? Work on emotional connection!
This is very important. Sexual intimacy actually starts through emotional intimacy. Contrary to popular belief, foreplay doesn’t just occur in the bedroom right before sex; it builds up over time. The more time that you spend investing in each other emotionally during the week, the better your sexual experience with one another will be.
If you’re struggling with initiating the conversation with your spouse about sex, try these connecting questions:
When I make you a priority, how does that make you feel?
What are some things/people that have taken precedence over making sex a priority for us?
What boundaries do we need to put in place with some of the above areas we circled?
Which day of the week is best for us to have some down time so we can recharge?
What is one thing you’d like to do less of and why? How can I help you in this process?
Give Amy Wine Counseling Center a call at 832-421-8714 if you have questions about our therapeutic services or would like to schedule an appointment.